Two Minute Minor: Brother Avery’s Traveling Suspension Show

First off, I demand props for making a Neil Diamond reference before even starting this thing.

Thank you.

Secondly I want to thank Sean Avery for doing something stupid on a Tuesday because this article is due by Wednesday morning and I really had nothing. We were looking at a very sub-par power rankings that I thankfully do not have to submit. So his timely stupidity is most welcome. Anyway, let’s get into this.

Alright, look. I am in no way defending Sean Avery right now, but if ever there was a reason to want Gary Bettman to die… this is it. Let me start with what actually happened. Then we’ll break it down and hopefully, you’ll come to understand how the NHL looks like complete idiots right now.

Shortly after a morning skate yesterday, Sean Avery made his way over to some reporters. He asked if there was a camera there… which, there was… and then made the following comment: “I’m just going to say one thing. I’m really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about, but enjoy the game tonight.” And he walked away. There was no interview. This was not a response to a question. He saw reporters and did his thing. If you want to know what the comment is in reference to, Avery’s ex-girlfriend, actress Elisha Cuthbert is dating Calgary defenseman Dion Phaneuf; she also had been involved with Mike Komisarek of the Montreal Canadiens.

I’m not going to defend Avery here as I normally would. I’m usually a fan of Avery if only for his entertainment value. But it was completely stupid. This is the class clown acting up in class without any of his friends playing along and then getting sent to the principal’s office. Depending on your standards, the comment is either mildly vulgar to completely tame. There’s obviously more to this than we know because the comment seems like a response to something as opposed to an initiation. The comment wasn’t nearly as stupid as his decision to make it.
The NHL looks like complete idiots right now for several reasons and I’m going to touch on each one of them. A hit to the head that causes injury is a 1-3 game suspension but Bettman-forbid you make a throw-away comment about your ex-girlfriend and it’s an indefinite suspension. So what the league says is that PR is more important to protect than player safety? Get the hell out of here. Stop it! If the NHL cared half as much about hits to the head as they do about Sean Avery's BS, Simon Gagne might not get dizzy whenever he closes his eyes.

So what, you think that I think Avery should be let off the hook? Not at all, but there was a right way to handle this. Bettman should have called Tom Hicks immediately and demanded the Stars suspend Avery. Make this an internal team matter. Let Avery destroy his own locker room relations. Believe me, his entire team hating him is FAR WORSE than any fine or suspension he can receive. The league suspending Avery makes him a free speech martyr. Once again, Sean Avery wins. Yet again, the league has to make special considerations based on the actions of one player… the same player. Once again Sean Avery is the #1 NHL headline.
If his team suspends him, it’s the other way around. The NHL can quietly condemn Avery’s behavior and save all face. Avery still gets suspended, fined, whatever, AND his locker room will hate him. But the league suspending him makes the isuue bigger and gives someone the opportunity to come to his defense. Whether or not anyone will remains to be seen, but the opportunity is there. Make the Stars punish him and this will all go away a lot faster. But right now, it’s huge news and whether he intended it or not, Avery is looking bigger than the game. When the Stars come to town, people now have yet another reason to talk about Avery before talking about the Dallas Stars.

I’m not saying players should be able to say whatever they want. Comments like this deserve some kind of punishment. Avery mentioned no names, but it was a verbal attack on an opposing player which the NHL does, in fact, have rules against. The problem is Bettman only chooses to enforce this rule when he sees fit. We know this because Ian White of the Toronto Maple Leafs wasn't suspended after telling the media that Ilya Kovalchuck will "get what's coming to him" the next time they meet. Apparently a direct threat is not a punishable offense but a throw-away frat house burn is. It absolutely infuriates me. Or was it the timing? If Avery made the comment after the game would it have been less of an offense than prior to the game? Snide remarks are made after games all the time and it’s no big deal, just like White’s threat.

I’m sorry there were no jokes this week but I am absolutely livid about how the situation was handled. Because there was a way to give Avery the exact same punishment without making the league look like idiots AND making this “issue” go away quickly and quietly at the same time. This could have been “just another Avery story” but the NHL has made it league-wide news. They’ve made it a huge sports story that is not limited to just hockey news. Avery’s pedestal is elevated even higher and this incident goes from footnote “in other news” to full blown headline.

Good job, Bettman. Good job. Now Sean Avery is all anyone wants to talk about. Again. This crap should be the footnote following the game summary. Instead, it will be the other way around.

By the way, Dallas won 3-1

Two Minute Minor: Thanksgiving Goons

I was going to take this week off for Thanksgiving and because the next day is a very special little boy’s 28th birthday. But due to some technical difficulties, last week’s minor could not be posted. You didn’t miss anything, it was actually a serious piece. There is no place for seriousness here. This week I’m keeping it short and sweet as I take a look inside the thanksgiving dinners of some of hockey’s biggest a#%holes and biggest stars.

Ruutu Family:
Spent goading the person across the table into throwing food at you and or trying to hit you. When Mr. or Mrs. Rutuu sends that person away from the table, you steal their food and wave to the rest of the family while smiling.

Tucker Family:
Spent passing the phone around table; prank calling the Avery’s.

Crosby Family:
Spent falling out of their chairs and then arguing about how they were "pushed out of their seat."

Pronger Family:
Pretty much your standard, run-of-the-mill holiday gathering… except the chairs are spaced so close together that any time someone reaches for something, they elbow the person next to them.

Avery Family:
Similar to the Ruutu family tradition in regards to trying to get other family members kicked off the table by mom and dad. Differences include a mirror at every place setting, hair care products tied to the place cards, and answering an unusual number of prank phone calls.

Simon Family:
Hits each other in the face with utensils.

Bertuzzi Family:
Fights over the wishbone.

Hollweg Family:
Video conference from various state penitentiaries.

Ovechkin Family:
It’s the best dinner the world has ever seen. Try to make a better one, it’s not possible. The turkey is stuffed with diamonds. "Please pass the (food item)." Always yields a perfect pass.

Brodeur Family:
Everyone gets their own turkey. There are never leftovers.

Sundin Family:
Still undecided on what to have for dinner. Also may decide to no longer celebrate Thanksgiving altogether.

Bettman Family:
Dinner may not begin until everyone has individually taken a photo with Gary in which both hold the dinner plate for the camera. The entire dinner along with the china, silverware, and white glove service all paid for by RBK.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. See you all next week.

Two Minute Minor: Holy Crap I Agree With Gary Bettman on Something OR If I Can Be Serious for 2 Minutes

Editor's Note: This was in fact delivered to me last Wednesday but... well I've been having a hectic week. Didn't want to rob you of the goodness so... deadlines be damned here is last week's Two Minute Minor Presented in its entirety. I had wanted to write a counterpoint to this, and I still might, not because I disagree with Nick's opinion so much as I'm a lawyer and arguing in the alternative is the kind of crap we do instead of going to the movies. For now I leave it to you dear reader to form your own point-counterpoint on this, the most important issue facing the game today.

No, I don’t think the RBK Edge Jerseys are cool. I still laugh at the glowing puck idea. The NHL logo should be orange again and the divisions should go back to having real names and the home team should wear white. I tend to disagree with almost every decision that Gary Bettman has made. But he made a comment last week that I actually agreed with. And since I can’t remember the last time that happened (because it never has), I had to make it this weeks 2MM.

"If you say you can't have contact with the head, you are going to reduce the amount of checking in the game and you are going to change the way the game is played." - NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, TSN's "Off the Record."

That’s the quote. And I know, it’s another one of his blanket statements, but for once, he’s actually right. Let’s read into this and elaborate on it a little bit because (if he won’t, someone should) hits to the head are all the rage this year. Before I go on I do need to preface that this article pertains to legal open ice hits to the head. NOT illegal boarding hits from behind.

There have been 2 reactions that I’ve heard regarding open ice hits to the head this year:

1. A player skating with his head down and not paying attention is doing so at his own risk. It’s his fault.
2. There’s no reason to hit that hard. It’s an obvious attempt to injure. It’s the hitters fault. Hits to the head should be banned outright.

God, it hurts me to say that I agree with Bettman. Banning hits to the head would lead to little or no open ice hits. Need me to print that in BTT language to really drill it home? Here:


FACT: Banning hits to the head would lead to little or no open ice hits.

Who the hell wants that? Look, hockey is a full contact sport. Players are going to get hurt. There is nothing that can be done about this and it’s a risk every athlete takes. Even sprinters get hurt sometimes and all they do is run. In a straight line. They don’t run into anyone or anything. But the risk is there. You’re doing things with your body that it was not designed to do. What do you expect?

How about instead of eliminating something from the game, we find a way to achieve the same goal (less injuries) by adding something to the game? If it means safer hitting, or even more hitting, or even harder and more intense hitting, then I am all for the required use of cages or facemasks.

*Pauses to allow for initial negative rejection by readers*

The NFL has been using them since what, the 60’s? Meanwhile the NHL didn’t even require helmets until 1979. And they were so serious about it that they had a grandfather clause allowing any player who signed a contract prior to the passing of the rule to continue playing without a helmet. Thanks to that clause, it wasn’t until 1995(!!!) that every player in the league skated with a helmet. The NHL is not the most progressive league in sports (WHAT?!), so this could be a very long debate. Remember, this is a league that initially did not allow forward passes. Look how far we’ve come. We can fix this.

I think players need a little more protection out there. Don’t discourage hitting… Encourage it! Embrace it! Just make it safer. I believe a well timed hit in hockey to be far worse than the hardest hit in football. Yet football players seem much better protected against hard (and frequent) hits. A helmet cage is worn in juniors and at the college level. And what’s with the Nike/Bauer helmet? Compared to just about every other helmet (RBK, CCM, Mission) worn in the NHL, it’s easily the lowest profile. Can’t we add a little bulk to these things? Get some more padding in there? Maybe implement a more effective chin strap… one that players will be required to use. I hate to go back to the NFL again, but look at those chin straps. Now look at ours. And never mind the device, look at how they are worn. Hockey players keep them so loose, they don’t do anything. So how about instead of pussifying the game, we make some changes that allow for the game to be played at a higher level.

Something like the Cascade helmet. I don’t mean let’s use this helmet specifically. But it’s a step in the right direction and if 3 or 4 companies put out something like it, the players would still get to choose what helmet they wear. The game could remain unchanged but it would just be SAFER. Here’s the Cascade helmet if you’ve never seen it. It’s probably the most innovative hockey helmet ever made and it looks pretty damn cool: http://www.cascadeicehockey.com/

In 2001, 3 Nascar drivers all died in their race cars. Dale Earnhardt, Kenny Irwin, and Adam Petty all lost control of their cars (at different times at different tracks, and for different reasons), hit the wall anywhere from 150-190 mph and were killed. Did Nascar slow the cars down? No. Did they outlaw bumping? No. Did they make any changes to try to limit the number of crashes per race? No. Did they take anything out of the sport? No. First. they mandated the use of a full face helmet and the use of a head and neck restraint device. And within only a few years, every track on the circuit installed a “safer barrier” soft wall system in the corners that dissipates impact a lot safer than concrete does. Today, most (if not all) Nascar sanctioned tracks use a safer barrier system around 100% of the track, including the inside walls.

# of racing fatalities in Nascar caused by high speed impact with the wall since then: 0. Nothing was taken away. They didn’t force a change in how the drivers compete. They just made it safer.
So that’s my point. Don’t change the game. Just make it safer to allow the game to go on UNCHANGED. But there should be more protection, be it from a wire cage or a full face shield… with a chin strap that serves a real purpose. Or from a completely new helmet design not yet invented. Try that first. Let them hit each other as hard as they can and if guys are still getting hurt, THEN maybe take a look at outlawing certain types of hits. But try to keep them in before taking them out. Players would bitch, for sure. But they’d get over it. If you’re concerned that a cage or full shield would affect fighting, my response is this: They already drop their sticks and gloves before they go. How hard is it to pop a buckle and drop the helmet too? Exactly, it’s not. Fight like men, take the damn helmets off.

A lot of guys weren’t happy about being forced to wear helmets but now it’s hard to understand why anyone would skate without one. Or how a goalie could face shooters with no mask. But as more players got hurt, things changed. Did we outlaw lifting the puck? No, we let goalies wear head and facial protection. So with hits to the head causing frequent injuries, I think it’s only natural to beef up head protection altogether. Take too many things out of the game and there won’t be any game left.

Agree with me? Don’t agree with me? Leave a comment and let me know! Just try to leave your name and where you’re from.

That’s it for this week, see you on the 26th.


Here’s something completely unrelated, but I thought I’d throw it in here anyway. Can you name all 30 NHL teams in less than 5:00 without cheating? You might be surprised. I made it to 29 teams and stared at the screen for 3 minutes because I simply could not remember that last team. Check it out:


http://www.mentalfloss.com/quiz/quiz.php?q=455

2 Minute Minor: Super Discount Hockey Ticket Sale Giveaway Promotion Plan

Every Sunday I begin work on this column. By Monday I’m at least half done with the rough copy. It is somewhere around late Monday or early Tuesday that some ridiculous bit of hockey news will surface forcing me to scrap everything I had and write about the new tidbit of maddening information. With the exception of last week’s mascot piece, this has happened every week. We were supposed to hear about Marty Brodeur this week. Then it became a split piece with Brodeur sharing the article with my feelings on the abundance of boarding penalties so far this season. But… well… screw all that.

Does anyone remember the very first 2 Minute Minor? I hope so, it wasn’t that long ago. Anyway, I made fun of the Islanders. Badly. Not just for being the worst, but mainly for their amusing attempts to sell tickets. I don’t want to take anything away from how dumb the Islanders buy-one-get-one-free-maybe deal is so go back and read it if you forgot.

(Read it here http://breakingthetrap.blogspot.com/2008/10/two-minute-minor-las-vegas-islanders.html)

The Islanders are no longer the silliest team with too many unsold tickets left over. They’re not even in 2nd place. This also proves that the Islanders can’t even be the best at being the worst. Anyway, there have been some other silly attempts to sell tickets around the league and some of them are so silly, I decided to forego what would have been an almost serious article.

I’ll start with the Florida Panthers. This one is really simple. Anyone who rides a bicycle to certain games gets in for free. Just like that. So dust off that old Schwinn, Panthers fans within riding distance of the BankAtlantic Center, but leave your wallet at home!

Am I the only one who sees the stupidity in this? How many people will really be able to take advantage of this promotion? The vast majority of bicycle commuters ride to work alone. I work in the bicycle industry. TRUST ME ON THIS. Most of them ride to and from work alone. So this means the majority of them are expected to ride to the arena alone. Now, let me ask you… you expect them to go to a game alone? Only serious fans go to games alone and if they were serious, they’d already have a ticket. Season ticket holders go to games alone. And if you’re a season ticket holder, you know most of the people in your section anyway so you’re never really there alone. This guy on a bike is someone who wasn’t going to the game anyway. Good chance he’s not going to the game tonight cause he has no one to go with… even though it’s free.

My nearest arena is the Izod center (former home of the NJ Devils) and that arena is NOT safely accessible by bicycle. I’m not saying it can’t be done. Maybe a seasoned commuter wouldn’t have a problem with it, but the average person trying to bring a bike to a game for a free ticket will be saying over and over to him or herself “I’m never doing this again, I’m never doing this again, I’m never doing this again…” as semi after semi passes by within inches of their elbows. Don’t expect someone to get their bike out of the shed and attempt a ride to an arena. Again, I don’t know how easily accessible the BankAtlantic is by bicycle, but if it’s anything like the Izod, I’d be scared to get there any way other than a car or a bus.

Ever go for a bike ride with a little kid? It takes forever just to go around the block. You’d have to set like 2 hours aside to ride the family to the arena to catch a game. Then hope you child doesn’t get run over by a car, bus, or truck. Then listen to them whine and complain the whole time that they’re tired cause how many miles can a little kid pedal for? And then when it’s all finally done… you have to do it all again… in the dark. NO.

I also feel I should point out the obvious loophole. Drive to the arena, take your bike out of the trunk, bring it to the window and get your free ticket. All you’d pay is parking.

I like their attempt at going green. It’s a novel concept and it’s a great PR move. But it falls short when you figure out how many people will really take advantage of it.

Think that was bad? Wait till you hear this.

The St. Louis Blues officially have the craziest scheme ever to get people to games. EVER! The team announced Monday that at every remaining Saturday home game beginning Nov. 29, the organization will call the seat number of a fan and pay that person’s mortgage or rent for four months, up to $4,000 total.

WHAT?

This is one of those situations where I don’t know if I should even make a joke about it because I’m not confident I can write a joke that is funnier than the truth.

Seriously… how bad is your team? How undesirable are your tickets… that you need to pay people’s rent for 4 months? Do you think they’re going to take all that extra money and go to more hockey games? Look, maybe they will. Then again, maybe they won’t. It’s a gamble. A few grand is nothing to a professional sports franchise so who cares if it works. It’s just… wow. Really. Wow.

In case you were wondering, the Blues (at the time of my writing this) have 11 points. That’s 1 more than the Islanders and the same as the Panthers. All are last in their divisions. Noticing a trend here? Are last place teams required to do stupid things to get people to come watch their teams play last place hockey? I have a great idea. It will work. People will come see you play. PLAY BETTER HOCKEY! Start there! Enough with the gimmicks! I could buy a hockey ticket for $25 and I might get free rent for 4 months. I can also buy a lottery ticket for $1 that might get me free rent FOREVER in my new mansion while I watch the game on TV at home on my gigantic new screen.

I know the economy is rough right now, so being the best team in the league still might not fill seats if your fans just don’t have the extra cash to go to games. But come on, I know we can do better than this. Atlanta (2nd to last in their division, just 3 points up on the Panthers) has it figured out. Look at this: http://thrashers.nhl.com/team/app/?service=page&page=NHLPage&id=26637

That’s a good deal! That’s a really good deal. You get 4 pricing options and free dinner (that is a step above your typical fast food). All the options are really good deals. Except that you have to watch a thrashers game.

I do feel that it is somewhat irresponsible of me to do all this complaining without offering any solutions. Here you go, crappy teams. Try these!

1. Alexander Ovechkin Cutout Night. Don’t act like you wouldn’t go. You would either go, or be sad you missed it. Who wouldn’t want a cutout of him firing a shot at the net, or celebrating another goal with those troll-under-a-bridge good looks, huh? I’m so there.

2. For the Islanders, I suggest “Play for the team” night. The first 5 fans to show up dress as the Islanders 4th line. Because really, how much worse could it be, and you honestly never know. Let the 5 lucky fans keep their uniforms, too.

3. I know this is a joke list, but this one I might actually be serious about. Free beer night. Does it really need explanation? It certainly has potential for complete disaster, but if someone found a way to do it right, it would work. Plus, if you get them drunk, they might not notice how bad the team is that they’re cheering for. Just a thought.

4. Gary Bettman wig night. Yes, you too can lack the very same charm as our commissioner if you are one of the first 5,000 fans to show up tonight! Dismiss, criticism with ease! Sidestep hard hitting questions! Take completely self-serving photos with the Conn Smythe winner and Stanley Cup winning team captain every single year as you make the fans watch and wait in agony for their celebration. Sell out to Reebok! Get booed in every arena you set foot in! Talk in circles! Yes, you can do it all with the Gary Bettman combover wig! Yours FREE with admission! (Offer applies to the first 5000 fans under the age of 15.)

5. Ryan Hollweg inaction figure night. This inaction figure is not poseable, he remains in a seated position wearing a suit as he watches yet another game from the stands while serving his umpteenth suspension of the year. While this would in fact bring no one to games… in fact it might actually keep people away… it could be used to throw at Sidney Crosby should it be during a Pittsburgh game. You gotta find the silver lining, kids. It’s always there somewhere.

Look, I know times are tough, but don’t be afraid. Gary Bettman has once again said that the fundamentals of the NHL's economy are strong. Another blanket statement referring to TV revenue and not Ticket sales. So I guess all those league-wide empty seats are nothing to worry about after all. Thanks, Gary. Good thing we have you around to cover up the problems for us or we might really start to get nervous. Nice hair.

See you next week.

5 Minute Major: WTF Mascots

Editor's Note: He hates when I do this but I couldn't let this week's column go by without commentary. So let me channel Rod Serling here and give this column the kind of intro it deserves...

This week's column is unique and calls for a different kind of introduction. What you are about to read is the tortured rants of a man who comes up with an idea for an article and follows through on it despite the great damage is causes to his psyche along the way. As you read on you will discover why this column was very nearly the last thing that Nick ever wrote.

He's called it the 5 minute Major... but as the Editor and therefore referee of this minor league hockey blog, and since I never asked him to write this, I'm giving it the extra two minutes for the instigator penalty and assessing a mandatory game misconduct. Strap in, this is a special... special column. Take it away Nick...

I’m sorry for this. I really truly am.

It is with absolute zero pleasure that I must assess my very first 5 minute major to NHL mascots due the fact that most of them seem to have been designed by the citizens of Guam. It has to be Guam! They have no hockey there! What other excuse could there be for choosing a pig as your representative when the name of your team is the Hurricanes? Only a citizen of Guam could think that a pig represents a hurricane.

The following is a list of every mascot in the league in order from bad to worse to what the hell is that thing?(Montreal) So put on your laughing hat and go grab a beer. I had to use an excel spreadsheet for this. It’s gonna be a long one.

Before I get started I want to clarify my ratings system. The 2 categories are Coolness and WTF Factor. Both categories are rated on a scale of 1 to 5. The actual score is the Coolness score minus the WTF score. I’m doing it this way to ensure that some teams receive the negative score they deserve.

One last thing before we do this: make sure you have this link pulled up in a separate tab while you read this post. You need to see some of these things for yourself as you go down the list.

http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q124/cdnuniguy/Mascots/mascots.jpg

Wildwing representing the Anaheim Ducks
Coolness: 5
WTF Factor: 0
Mugshot: http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f272/Kelly_K5/WildWing.jpg

Perfect score. Wildwing is both badass looking and 100% accurate in representing his team. He looks mean as opposed to happy and cuddly, which is a good thing. He’s almost too good and putting him on this list weakens my argument that all mascots are stupid. But I haven’t gotten anywhere near Pittsburgh yet so just be patient.
FACT: The Ducks have a statue of Wildwing outside the Honda Center making him the only mascot in the NHL to be immortalized in a statue. If I could deduct points for this, I would.

Thrash representing The Atlanta Thrashers
Coolness: 5
WTF Factor: 0
Mugshot: http://www.enchanter.net/florida/day13/thrash2.jpg

Another perfect score. He looks like the perfect pest which is what a mascot should be. He looks totally pissed, and represents the team perfectly. The Thrashers logo looks like some kind of… pissed off… hockey bird… with a stick… thing. Turn that into a mascot and you get Thrash. I can’t question the accuracy unless I find out that a thrasher is really a sea urchin or something. Then change the WTF Factor score to a 5 making the final score an even 0. As it stands now, it’s a perfect 5. Just a quick note: This is it for the perfect 5’s. It’s all downhill from here.
FACT: The Thrasher is the state bird of Georgia so we can forget all that “Sea urchin” talk.
FACT: It would help if I looked up the FACTS before writing about the mascot.

Gnash representing The Nashville Predators
Coolness: 4.5
WTF Factor: 0
Mugshot: http://meltyourfaceoff.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/gnash.jpg

Gnash should have a perfect score due to looking extremely cool and perfectly representing the team’s logo. Although a predator could be anything ranging from a T-Rex to a priest. A nonspecific team name is no fault of the mascot, but Gnash sadly loses half a point due to his stupid name. In a league which also contains non threatening names such as Islanders, Canucks, Maple Leafs, Stars, and Flyers; The Predators sound intimidating. Their mascot should have a more intimidating (though still fan friendly) name. Even if he had a monosyllabic human name, I would have let it go. Dave representing The Nashville Predators would have been enough to warrant a perfect 5. But simply taking the first half of the city and adding a silent consonant at the beginning is not acceptable. It’s not a complete abomination but it is lazy and it’s good for a half point deduction.
FACT: Gnash’s trademark is his stunt work featuring high speed zip lines, rappels, and a pendulum swing that brings him within a few inches of the ice.

Tommyhawk representing The Chicago Blackhawks
Coolness: 4
WTF Factor: 0
Mugshot: http://www.firewagonhockey.com/Portals/2/YellowJackets%20Images/BuzzandTommyHawk.jpg

For the record, Tommyhawk is the kind of name that would have given Gnash a perfect score. Tommyhawk is a clever, literal adaptation of the teams name. Lets face it, we live in different times and a big, fuzzy native American skating around the ice is guaranteed to get at least one person fired. Tommy perfectly sidesteps confusion and legal issues by being a black hawk instead of a Blackhawk. He’s a bird and not a stereotype. As for looks, we do have a really cool looking hawk here, but he looks a little too happy and when I look at him next to Wildwing or Thrash… I’m sorry, but the bar for bird mascots has been set too high. There is no shame in a score of +4. None at all.
FACT: Tommyhawk has 4 feathers on his head, further representing his team’s classic logo.

Blades the Bruin representing The Boston Bruins.
Coolness: 4
WTF Factor: 0
Mugshot: http://cdn.nhl.com/bruins/images/upload/2007/05/blades_wchild.jpg

Blades. That is a perfect name for a hockey mascot. The WTF Factor score is a solid, solid zero. I have no cause for complaint as far as accuracy or anything else that might make me wonder what someone might have been smoking or drinking when they thought up a particular aspect of this mascot. Blades loses one point for being just a little too generic. A Bruin is a bear. The mascot is a bear. Plain and simple. There’s just nothing really special about him. He does look a little angry which I like. But he’s not ferocious. Certainly not intimidating. He looks like he had a bad day, but he’ll calm down by the time he gets home. I prefer a bear mascot that hits his wife and cubs when he gets home from work. Maybe if he had a fuzzy, bloody human arm handing out of his mouth…
FACT: No one uses the word “bruin” anymore when referring to a bear. If someone said to me “I saw a bruin digging through my garbage this morning,” I would assume Blake Wheeler needed a raise.

The NJ Devil representing The New Jersey Devils
Coolness: 4
WTF Factor: 0
Mugshot: http://www.npl.org/Media/Kids/hockey/RS+mascots_sm.jpg

The zero for WTF factor is obvious. The team is called the Devils, their mascot is a Devil. Simple and doesn’t need elaboration. As for coolness, I’m following the same concept as I did with Tommyhawk and Blades. He looks cool but he’s a little too happy. He’s basically every cartoon devil you’ve ever seen. I could have given him a 5 but those that did receive 5’s have set the coolness bar too high. I’ll say it again; there is no shame in a +4. He’s also a total jerk to the opposing team (and their fans) at games. I was personally at a game once where the NJ Devil coaxed a fan out of his Rangers jersey. The Devil took the jersey, spread it out on the ice, lined it up, and let the Zamboni drive right over it. The look on the guy’s face can only be described as “WTF Factor: 5.” That is what a mascot should do. Insult fans wearing the jersey of another team and if he has to break the Zamboni in the process, so be it.
FACT: The Devil is a very hands-on mascot. He frequently runs through the halls high-fiving fans and also drives an atv around the ice between periods. He dabbles in the destruction of private property.

Bailey representing the Los Angeles Kings
Coolness: 5
WTF Factor: 1
Mugshot: http://x93.xanga.com/d34d9664c1d31148304930/z110209592.jpg

The first mascot on the list to have his score affected by the WTF factor. Bailey looks so incredibly badass it’s almost not fair. He’s cool looking and downright ferocious. Here’s why he loses a point: The team is called the Kings. Bailey is a lion. I get it. I do. A lion is king of the jungle. Even though lions don’t live in jungles. I understand. But the Kings mascot should be a real king. A big fuzzy monarch. An obnoxious one. Like the burger king but worse. It’s only a WTF score of 1 so don’t get all upset. Like I said there is no shame in a score of +4.
FACT: The Kings first mascot was a snow leopard. I’m not making that up. I’d comment more on it but that’s another list of mascots for another time.

Howler representing the Phoenix Coyotes
Coolness: 4
WTF Factor: 0
Mugshot: http://cdn.nhl.com/coyotes/images/upload/2008/08/DSCN0436.JPG

Howler is a really cool looking mascot. He’s 100% accurate, he’s got some fangs… but he’s just a little too happy. Happy enough to lose one point off of coolness. His WTF factor is an easy zero. He looks a little too much like he should be chasing opposing players around with Acme rocket skates, though. Right before he gets checked into the boards, he holds up a little sign that says “Ouch.” I’m going to take this opportunity to make sure you clicked the link I posted back in the intro. It will really start to come in handy soon. Trust me, you want it open in a 2nd tab so you can switch back to it for reference as you go.

Stanley C. Panther representing the Florida Panthers
Coolness: 3
WTF Factor: 0
Mugshot: http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1222/1138631927_bd3dd9c0b9.jpg?v=0

Stanley’s cool, I have no real problems with him. But panthers are fierce creatures that hunt and kill their prey without mercy. Stanley must do this a lot before moonlighting as Panthers mascot because he looks very sleepy. Or stoned. Maybe he smokes a big fuzzy mascot blunt before each game. I really don’t know. Look, any time you incorporate eyelids onto a mascot, it’s going to look sleepy. It’s the fault of the designer, not Stanley. He loses points for his lack of fierceness and for his name because he is the only “Stanley C.” the Panthers will see in their building any time soon.
FACT: Stanley C. Panther is named for the Lester B. Pearson award, given to the NHL's outstanding player as selected by the members of the NHLPA.

Slapshot representing the Washington Ovechkins.
Coolness: 3
WTF Factor: 0
Mugshot: http://www.missva.com/2006/adrianna/images/feb04/capitaleagle.jpg

Slapshot has a +3 because he just doesn’t really impress me. Now I know what you’re thinking. You’ve looked at the picture of all the mascots, you see Slapshot sitting there on the stairs and you’re thinking “I think Slapshot deserves more than a 3. He’s a solid 4. No he’s not. Look at the other birds. Look at Thrash. Look at Wildwing. Now look at Slapshot. The other birds just set the bar too high. And if you’re concerned about Slapshot getting a 3, you’ll soon realize that a 3 is as good as a 5 once we start getting down to the 1’s, 0’s, and negatives.

Louie representing the St. Louis Blues
Coolness: 2
WTF Factor: 1
Mugshot: http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2121/1733173642_8734418ca7.jpg?v=0

The blues are getting off kind of easy here. What do you want, a big, fuzzy musical note with eyes skating around? A big, fuzzy saxophone? Really? So the Blues kind of have the luxury of choosing any animal they want and just making it blue. And that’s exactly what they did. Louie is a blue bear wearing a little hat. I’ll be perfectly honest with you, this mascot should annoy me. It really should, but it doesn’t. I really can picture this thing playing a guitar or a saxophone or something. No kidding, he looks like a blues musician. Louie is pretty convincing in that regard, and looking at him doesn’t cause instant physical illness like some other mascots. I don’t have much of an opinion here; it’s a blue bear. He’s not that cool which is why he scores a 2 in coolness. But he loses one point from the WTF factor because he’s a bear and that has nothing to do with the St. Louis Blues. No matter what the Blues choose as their mascot, they’ll still get at least a 1 in WTF Factor. The name of the team is not conducive to having a mascot.

Sabretooth representing the Buffalo Sabres
Coolness: 4
WTF Factor: 3
Mugshot: http://www.sportable.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/sabretooth.jpg

He looks really cool, but sleepy and cartoony when compared with Gnash. My real problem with Sabretooth isn’t even his fault. He’s just an extinct cat that applied for a job and got hired. He’s alright. My problem is with the ongoing identity crisis the Sabres have had over the last 10 years. Let me break this down for you. The name of Buffalo’s team is the Sabres. A sabre, is a single edged sword with a curved blade. The team’s logo incorporated both the name of the city and the name of the team for years as it was a buffalo over two crossing sabres. But then they changed it to just a buffalo head. Then they changed it again to a mutant buffalo/slug thing, which is what it is today. Now… tell me… wtf… does a saber-toothed tiger have to do with the Buffalo Sabres? Yes, stop, I get it. SABRE-toothed tiger. STOP IT! It would be like if the Rangers made their mascot a pickup truck or if the Capitals made their mascot a giant, fuzzy uppercase letter. It’s a play on the word to get them a cooler mascot then they would have had and I’m not buying it. Buffalo teams have always been way more about the city than the team anyway. Even the Bills have a buffalo as their logo. Just do what you’ve wanted to do forever: Call both teams the Buffalo Buffalos and make the mascot a buffalo. It’s what you want. It’s what you really want.

S.J. Sharkie representing the San Jose Sharks
Coolness: 1
WTF Factor: 0
Mugshot: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibMRGPnyDr5mV-od4i9HLhSorJSyjR9Ux4he3ca8lns9th68_X3_gR2HC8TjEuFnIMkHcvbl6dS7lCPI1YjRYyog54nxbihju28X38BGW8LgNWHWDxeFdEVDfZi5YzWuJGzct8E-mfkrU/s1600-h/800px-SJ_Sharkie.jpg

Who put the hockey skates on that T-Rex? And why? If you’re going to make a mascot based on an animal, it should maybe look like that animal. Sharkie’s head doesn’t resemble a shark at all; it looks like some kind of a down syndrome velociraptor. He gets points for accuracy because (technically) he is a shark… with legs… and fingers. Looks like Darwin was right because this is evolution at its finest. Sharkie must have used affirmative action to get his job. There had to have been other sharks (that breathe air, have arms, legs, hands, and no gills) that were just as qualified for the job of team mascot. But hire a shark with a mental handicap and it’s a P.R. dream come true.
OPINION: Pretty sure that’s just a guy in a suit cause sharks don’t have legs.

Stinger representing the Columbus Blue Jackets
Coolness: 3
WTF Factor: 3
Mugshot: http://www.sports-mascots.co.uk/COLUMBUSBLUEJACKETSSTINGER.jpg

This is really getting frustrating. I blame myself. Rich didn’t make me do this. He didn’t even ask me to do this. I consider my score of an even zero to be generous. Stinger is a yellow jacket. You know, those annoying little hornets that don’t pollinate, offer no benefit to the world and can sting repeatedly? Yeah, that’s what Stinger is. But he’s blue so he’s technically not a yellow jacket. Stinger is a… wait for it… Blue Jacket. Just like the team which has blue colored hornets all over their uniforms… … … … They don’t. I made that up. I wish I didn’t. The name Blue Jackets refers to the uniforms worm by the Continental Army during the Revolutionary War. Not a bug. So how… how did they come to that decision? Seriously, how? I almost demand to know. How cool would a mascot-representation of a revolutionary war soldier be? Infinitely cool! Give him a prop rifle that he can fire off when the team scores! But a blue hornet as your mascot?! Do you know what the name of the team is?! It’s the Blue Jackets! Not the Blue Jackets! What did you do, call Buffalo and ask for mascot suggestions?!

Iceburgh representing the Pittsburgh Penguins
Coolness: 0
WTF Factor: 0
Mugshot: http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/096XgAJddqbQk/340x.jpg

This was a tough one for me. I like his name, it was already appropriate before incorporating the name of the city into it. He’s a penguin… just like the team. Can’t really knock anything there. He’s 100% accurate hence the zero WTF score. But terribly uncool hence zero coolness points. I’ll just say it: This is the mascot that the other mascots pick on. He should have a “kick me” sign on his back at all times. Look at his face! It’s like he’s constantly saying “Duhhh… hyurka hyurka hyurk… I’m a skatin’ I sure am…” At any given moment, Iceburgh looks like he has no idea where he is. Maybe he thinks he’s at a carnival, I don’t know. His eyes almost look like they’re going in two different directions. What can I say, he’s a big, cute, fuzzy penguin and there are far worse on this list than he.
FACT: The original Penguins mascot was a real Penguin. It’s habitat was kept too warm and it died, thus ending the use of real animals as NHL mascots.

Nordy representing The Minnesota Wild
Coolness: 0
WTF Factor: 1
Mugshot: ???????

At this point I have yet to see a picture of the actual Nordy. He’s brand new for the 2008/2009 season. The cartoon picture I did see would strike fear into the heart of… no one. It’s really the most timid looking rendition of a mascot I’ve ever seen. It’s downright happy to be there with a smile that rivals that of dumb Carlton the Bear. What were they thinking? You’ve got your mascot right there in the team name! The Wild! Why is it a teddy bear with a mullet in a hockey uniform? Nordy represents the team’s logo perfectly so I can’t complain too much on accuracy. But there are some cases where it’s ok to take a name and run with it, and some cases where it is not (Columbus). This would have been a great opportunity to have a truly Wild mascot. Nordy should have an evil grin and a leather jacket with spikes and a Mohawk. He’s WILD!!!!! I know, the name Wild refers to the wilderness, but as I said, this is a case where it’s ok to take a name and interpret it a little differently to make a cooler mascot. Nordy passes, but he could have been so much cooler.

Fin The Whale representing The Vancouver Canucks
Coolness: 1
WTF Factor: 2
Mugshot: http://audrasphotography.files.wordpress.com/2006/08/00860024_resize.jpeg

This is one that I fail to understand on so many levels. I don’t know where to start… How about with the fact that he’s a whale? I understand a killer whale is part of the Canuck’s logo but… why? There already was a team called the Whalers. They moved. It was sad. Let me define the word “Canuck” for you. Canuck is a word used by Canadian residents to define their nationality. A Canuck is a Canadian. Canadians… killer whales… Look, I have a very vivid imagination. Look at my fantasy picks 2 weeks ago if you need proof. I chose a line consisting of 3 inanimate objects and hotdog vendor backed by a garbage can in net. My imagination works just fine. But even my imagination cannot make a connection between the people of Canada and orcas. I know, I know… killer whales swim up north and can be found in the waters off the west coast of Canada, yes, I get it. But what’s the first animal that comes to mind when you think of Canada? Probably the moose, but that doesn’t matter cause it’s not a whale! It’s not a whale.

Fin also loses points due to the extreme case of retardation he seems to have. Mascots aren’t supposed to have cerebral palsy. A toothy grin and mouthful of tongue isn’t enough to make this puddinhead the worst mascot though.
FACT: Another fish with legs… pretty sure it’s just a guy in a suit again. I’ll get back to you.
FACT: Whales are mammals. It just sounded funny. Let it go.

Al The Octopus representing the Detroit Redwings
Coolness: 3
WTF Factor: 5
Mughsot: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/84/Al_the_Octopus.jpg/800px-Al_the_Octopus.jpg

Al? Now I have to write about a mascot named Al? The very fabric of my sanity is beginning to come apart. I want you to realize this and hopefully appreciate it. We all know about Dertoit and their strange octopus fetish. Especially during the playoffs. That being said, this mascot can only be seen during the playoffs. I debated whether to put him on this list for that reason along with the fact that he is not a costume. Al is just a big, pissed off octopus that gets lowered from the rafters. I’ll admit, he ain’t bad looking. In fact he looks mighty pissed off. His coolness rating is quite solid with a 3. The WTF factor is an easy 5. It should be like, a 20. I know the octopus is part of Red Wings tradition but it still doesn’t make an octopus have any relevance to the team name or logo. EVEN if they dress him in an 8 sleeved jersey… which they did.

Could you imagine if a team like the Islanders had a mascot that was only seen during the playoffs? No one would even know they have a mascot. Only a team like Detroit could get away with a playoffs-only mascot.

Sparky The Dragon representing the New York Islanders
Coolness: 3
WTF Factor: 5
Mugshot: http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2330/2273059789_3512a12035.jpg?v=0

What Sparky gains in cool looks, he loses two-fold in having nothing to do with the name of his team. Now I know with a name like the Islanders, there really isn’t much you can do in the way of a mascot. But that doesn’t mean pick whatever the hell you want and slap a jersey on it. It means don’t have a mascot! At least make the thing hockey related! A dragon? Wtf… Dragons are fierce, violent, intimidating, fire breathing, ruthless, creatures that do not exist. The Islanders do not share one single characteristic with dragons. If they had chosen a dung beetle as their mascot, I could at least say the two share the characteristic of existence. But we don’t even get that. Why not a big fuzzy ship captain? Make him look all salty and angry. If done right, it would look cool. But no, we get Sparky. Curious as to why the hell the Islanders would choose a dragon as their mascot, I decided to look into it and find an answer. The Islanders owner also owns an arena football team called the Dragons. He liked Sparky so much that he made him the mascot for both of his teams. Same dragon, different teams. What I gather from that is the following:
FACT: The Islanders owner likes his arena football team more than his NHL team. So do I.

Carlton The Bear representing the Toronto Maple Leafs
Coolness: 0
WTF Factor: 4
Mugshot: http://www.tmlfever.com/files/carlton_standing_2.gif

*Sigh* Don’t Toronto fans have enough to be upset about with this team? And they have to deal with this? Granted, I did draft Carlton for my fantasy team, but that doesn’t make him a good mascot. This is another one that begs the question… WHY? I know that a big maple leaf skating around would look silly, but really, would it be much sillier than Carlton? No. No it most certainly would not. I just don’t understand the trend of making your team mascot whatever the hell you want. Why an overweight polar bear? Why? Why not an in-shape polar bear? Why any polar bear?! Why not a beaver, moose, yak, Patrick Duffy or unicorn? How awesome would a tarantula be? So awesome! Give him 8 hockey sticks! No, we get a dumb bear with a passion for donuts. Ever see a real polar bear? They are ferocious creatures, the way they annihilate seals and penguins and stuff. Look at the group photo. Look at Carlton. Now look at Blades. See my point? I’m not scared of Carlton. I want to sit on his lap and tell him what I want for Christmas and then piss my pants on his leg. On how many levels must Toronto fail simultaneously? And there’s talk of an expansion team! A 2nd Toronto franchise. What would their mascot be? A (expletive deleted)ing giraffe? Why did I decide to write this list? It’s seriously damaging my sanity.
FACT: If I make it to the end of this, I am hoping for at the very least, some quiet applause. Fireworks would be lovely, but quiet applause is enough.

Thunderbug representing the Tampa Bay Lightening
Coolness: 0
WTF Factor: 4
Mugshot: http://nhl.speedera.net/intheslot/read/mascots/images/thunderbug226x338.jpg

Tampa fans: Your team is mocking you. They are. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this. But my team doesn’t have a mascot, nor will they ever. Please, if the Rangers tried to have a mascot, New York fans would rip its head off and beat the crap out of the guy in the suit. That’s right, kids. Cry for me. Mascots are all just guys in suits! (Except for Al.)

Thunderbug is a… is a… is a bee I think. Yeah. He’s a bee. That’s right; Thunderbug is a bee representing his favorite team, the Tampa Bay Lightening. It’s like… what joke can I come up with here that would be funnier than the truth? Just look at the thing. It’s not even cool! If the team were called the Bees, this mascot would still suck! Real bees don’t want to be represented by this thing. Bees are a terrible animal to name a sports team after. You’re talking about an animal that’s good for one year and then it dies, what the hell kind of… Ohhhh so THAT’S why a bee is their mascot. Never mind, and 5 points for accuracy.

Spartacat representing the Ottawa Senators
Coolness: 0
WTF Factor: 4
Mugshot: http://nhl.speedera.net/intheslot/read/mascots/images/spartacat226x378.jpg

Spinning the wheel of random animal mascots and landing on “handicapable lion” is Spartacat; Mascot of the Ottawa Senators. What ancient Sparta and Ottawa have to do with each other, I will never know and don’t care to research. What a lion has to do with either, I will also never know. Did the Spartans feed people to lions? Maybe. Even if they did, what does this have to do with anything Canadian? Why do mascots have to be animals? A physical representation of the Senators logo would have been fine! It would have been more than fine; it would have been downright awesome! Give him a big, fuzzy sword to harass opposing players and fans with. It would be great! And it could be made to look cool. But no, we get a lion thing that looks like it should be collecting shopping carts in the parking lot at the supermarket. Further affecting his coolness score is the look on his face. He looks ferocious but happy? Like he doesn’t know whether to gleefully shake your hand or bite it off.

Stormy the Pig Representing the Carolina Hurricanes
Coolness: 0
WTF Factor: 5
Mugshot: http://digitalheadbutt.files.wordpress.com/2007/04/carolinahurricanes_stormy.jpg

So… the name of your team is the Hurricanes. Cool! Yes! Hurricanes are violent! YEAH! They destroy things! AWESOME! They’re rather horrifying! SURE ARE! Almost nothing can stand up to the might of a hurricane! NO CHANCE! Hurricanes are best represented by a pig! YEA… wait, what? Alright… this is really just a formality… but lets look at the score here. The coolness factor is a zero. Just look at Stormy. Tell me it’s not a zero. He doesn’t even look cool. If you’re going to make a pig your mascot, make it look fierce. A wild boar with huge teeth. But apparently making your mascot cool is a thing of the… never was. As for the WTF Factor, we have an easy 5. Look at the name of the team. Now look at Stormy. WTF. 5.
FACT: Stormy is a pig because of the abundance of pig farms in the Carolinas.
FACT: Stormy wears a number 97 jersey representing 1997; the year America’s beloved Hartford Whalers moved to North Carolina and shattered the dreams of every child, puppy, and unicorn in the entire world.

That’s great. Wear 97 to remind us all of the team we lost. Sure, they were terrible. But no team has ever deserved the label “Loveable losers” more than the Hartford Whalers. I can confidently say that the entire population of the entire world wants the Hartford Whalers back. Instead we all have to endure a pig wearing 97 to remind us of what we lost and of crying children, puppies, and unicorns. Do you hate Stormy yet? Good. Hold onto that hate cause we still have a few more to go and I swear you’re going to need it.

Youppi representing the Montreal Canadiens
Coolness: 0
WTF Factor: 5
Mugshot: http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q124/cdnuniguy/Mascots/youppihabs.jpg

Alright! I’ve (expletive deleted)ing had it! Who designed this (expletive deleted)ing piece of (expletive deleted)?! What the (expletive deleted) is it? Some kind of (expletive deleted)ing fur monster?! It can’t be a (expletive deleted)ing man, look how (expletive deleted)ing furry it is! So then what the (expletive deleted) is it? Youppi is (expletive deleted)ing French for “Yippee,” or “ Hooray.” Anyone cheering for this piece of (expletive deleted) is seriously (expletive deleted)ed in the head. Or Canadian. Looking at this (expletive deleted)ing thing makes me flash white with rage and want to cause harm to the nearest living creature. Seriously, (expletive deleted)ing answer me, what is this piece of (expletive deleted)?! It looks like a man with a beard but it’s completely covered with (expletive deleted)ing orange fur! If you needed a reason to hate Canada, this is a perfectly good one. If I saw this thing, I’d (expletive deleted)ing choke it.
FACT: (expletive deleted)!!!!!!

Harvey the Hound
Coolness: -2467
WTF Factor: 462,827.5
Mugshot: http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2060/2087730371_48d513017e.jpg?v=0
Evidence: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWr9yECJfww

I have gone to great lengths to come to some kind of understanding regarding Harvey the Hound. I have failed. It’s taken me so long to get to this point; 3 weeks. And now that I’m here, I just want to kill myself. That’s right. I want to kill myself over a retarded dog in red shorts. Harvey’s image inspires pure self-loathing. It does. It makes me hate myself. Harvey the hound is the worst mascot in the history of all mascots. After all I’ve just put myself through, I really don’t need this. Not Harvey. Not now. Not ever.

Harvey fails on levels I not only didn’t know existed, but levels I didn’t know could be failed upon. He’s by far the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. Let’s forget about mascots altogether for one second. Yes, this is the dumbest individual thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

FACT: Harvey the Hound was the very first NHL mascot, introduced in 1983.

Flames… you had a clean slate and this was the best you could come up with? You could have done anything you wanted! “LOL, let’s make him stupid.” Who approved this? Harvey is worse than Youppi. Worse by a mile. I would say that he makes other Mascots look good but I refuse to offer any kind of positive argument regarding Harvey the Hound. And nothing could make Youppi look better, not even Harvey.

To make matters worse, Harvey is also a complete jerk. He behaves far worse than any other mascot in the NHL, including the Jersey Devil. That’s right! Harvey the Hound: Worse than The Devil. I’m going to go on record right now and just come out and say it. I mean why dance around the issue any longer? I hate Harvey the Hound. That’s right. Hate. When I first saw his picture, I’ll admit; I laughed. I laughed a lot. I laughed until my sides hurt. But after a while, it just wasn’t funny anymore. Maybe the joke wore off. Maybe it was the slow and painful departure of my very soul. Either way, what once inspired laughter now inspires rage. And when I see that stupid tongue, it makes me feel sad. Sad as if there’s less happiness in the world with no hope of restoring it.

FACT: Harvey was so successful after his debut that other teams contacted his creator, Glenn Street, to design mascots for them.
FACT: Harvey is consistently voted “Most Popular Mascot” by the fans.

Are we talking about the same mascot here? We can’t be! This mascot sucks so bad it causes mental anguish. How could anyone see this thing and think “I need my own one of those!”? How could anyone look at this thing and think “This is the best mascot I’ve ever seen! I’m voting for Harvey!”? How… why… did the Flames make this their mascot? It has nothing to do with the team! I’m not saying we shouldn’t try this; But setting it on fire and thus incorporating flames into the costume would still not make him relevant to the name of the team. Speaking of not being relevant to the team, here’s one that will piss you right off:

FACT: Harvey is the ONLY mascot in the entire league that does not wear his team’s jersey. This also makes him the only mascot to not even have the team’s name or logo anywhere on himself. Even Al the Octopus has an 8 sleeved Redwings jersey.

It absolutely blows me away that Harvey was the first. The open door, the inspiration for future NHL mascots. How can this be? And you’d think that there would be a significant improvement among NHL mascots with Harvey as their starting point, but no. Look at Youppi. Look at Fin. It’s obvious that someone in Vancouver saw Harvey and said “Gimme that, but make it a whale.” With Harvey as a starting point, I have a right to expect that 25 years later, at least one team’s mascot would have evolved into a diamond. A real diamond worth millions of dollars. But no, there hasn’t been much evolution here. The stupidity has moved mostly laterally with only minimal forward motion.

I want to take this opportunity to thank Craig MacTavish. While coaching the Edmonton Oilers a few years back, he lost patience with Harvey who was taunting him from behind the visitors bench. MacTavish responded by ripping Harvey’s tongue off.

(Editor's Note: http://www.cbc.ca/gfx/topstory/sports/harvey_mactavish0321.jpg)

I know I should seem more excited to report this, but you must understand the following: After what I’ve just put myself through, I’m not laughing at anything. I would need a case of beer, a bottle of rum, a woman of questionable morals, and a winning lottery ticket just for my temperament to break even. Then I could muster a smile at stupid Harvey’s tongue being ripped off. I hate Harvey the hound. 12 Youppis are not worth 1 Harvey the Hound. If the name of the team was The Calgary Palsy Dogs and Harvey was the mascot, I would still hate him.



3 weeks. That’s how much of my life I’ll not get back as a result of this nonsense. I know things about NHL mascots I didn’t want to know. I know all of their names. 3 weeks ago I was pointing to different mascots in the group photo saying “LOL what the hell is that thing?” I now know that it was Spartacat. I’m sad that I know its name. I wish there was something positive we could all take away from this, but it’s not possible. Just looking at Iceburgh will lower your IQ, so don’t try. It’s not worth trying to scrape up a positive out of this. There’s nothing to be gained from the experience. I just keep slurring to myself “It’s Blue Jackets, not blue jackets!” as I take another swig out of an emptying whiskey bottle.

Good or bad, mascots don’t effect the team, so don’t be afraid if yours has one. Your team will win or lose on their own. Sparky can’t make the Islanders win (nor could a full freight container labeled: TALENT), and Thunderbug won’t lose any games for the Lightning. They don’t need the help this year anyway. Mascots don’t have to be lame, but as long as Harvey, Youppi, Carlton, and Stormy remain in service, the Mascot average is dragged down far enough that it’s ruined for the good mascots.

Final comments on the group photo:
- The NJ Devil’s body language clearly shows that he doesn’t want to sit next to Spartacat.
- Fin sitting next to Iceburgh looks like brothers separated at birth.
- Every mascot wears his team’s home jersey with Fin and Howler being the only exceptions wearing away jerseys. Harvey sucks and doesn’t wear any jersey.
- With the exception of the NJ Devil, the entire top row consists of mascots with mental disabilities.

Take away from this what you will, for better or for worse. I’ll be back next week with something that hopefully isn’t as emotionally damaging. Until then, I will wait and listen for the sound of polite applause. Or fireworks. Whatever you’ve got is fine.

Two Minute Minor: More Stupidity to Digest

Has it been a week already? That was quick! Nick here, back again to annoy you with another 2 minute minor. I had a hard time deciding who to pick on this week… and then Tampa lost again, Avery got 2 misconducts in one game, Alexei Cherepanov DIED, and Flyers fans booed Sarah Palin so loudly that Metallica wasn’t loud enough to drown them out, and the Islanders aren’t the only team Giving away free tickets. So I went from famine to feast pretty quickly. Let’s go!

Typically when you don’t want something to go bad, you put it on ice to keep it fresh. The Lightning (I REFUSE to call them the Bolts… ech!) didn’t get that memo and have been stinking up the ice on both sides of the Atlantic. They’ve only played 3 games so far, but they’ve lost them all and allowed 126 shots on goal. Do they even have a defensive strategy? Either they don’t have one at all, or they’re using the Jurassic Park T-Rex technique: They can’t see us if we don’t move. Note to Tampa: YES THEY CAN.

Apparently the Florida Panthers are BTT readers. The Islanders buy one ticket get one free nonsense has been improved upon in the Sunshine State with the introduction of the “First-Timer Program.” Omitting the “buy one get one” and just focusing on the “get one” part, the Panthers have decided to just give the things away. (For jokes on uses for worthless hockey tickets, read last week’s 2MM) Present your valid drivers license, passport, or any other legal proof of Florida residence and you get one free ticket to a game. Just like that. The promotion continues forever until every Florida resident has cashed in. “Until every Florida resident has cashed in” is actually a synonym for “forever” so I apologize for the redundancy. While it is laughable that a team must resort to giving away tickets for free (which must make season ticket holders feel wonderful!), I don’t take the same issue with it as I do with the Islanders charade. The Islanders are asking their fans to gamble. The Panthers are not. Both teams should also consider NOT SUCKING as a way to entice fans to come to games. Just a thought.

Fact: No fan of any sport in any city can out-boo a Philadelphia sports fan.
When Sarah Palin strutted out to center ice to drop the first puck on opening night in Philly, she was booed. Loudly. I don’t know what made her think she would receive a warm welcome. These are the same fans that threw snowballs at Santa Claus at the Vet all those years ago. They tried to save her by playing Metallica… much louder than usual by the way… to drown out the boos. But Philly booing is epic and can probably make a nuclear detonation feel bad about itself. One quick side note: Flyers fans weren’t restricted to booing vice presidential candidates that night, they would boo their own goaltender, Martin Biron, off the ice less than 1 period later after letting up 4 goals in the 1st.

Sean Avery was loved in NY last season regardless of his often ridiculous on (and off) ice antics. He was a beloved pest that made the fans smile, shrug their shoulders and say things like “It’s %@$#ing Avery, what do you want?” Things aren’t going so well in Dallas. Only 3 games in and he’s managed to piss off the home crowd before giving them a chance to embrace him like Rangers fans did last season. As a fight ensued near the goal, Avery engaged Dan Hamhuis in a separate fight near the benches. There’s your first misconduct. Then proceeded to excessively argue the call with the officials which (as the rules state pretty clearly) is good for another misconduct. I don’t know how many times in history a player has gotten 2 misconducts in one game, but if anyone can do it, Avery can… and did. For fans of Avery who think it’s cool, or that it’s just Avery being Avery, don’t be impressed. It’s really bad for Avery AND for Dallas. The NHL allows a player 2 misconducts per season. After that, every misconduct you get is an automatic 1 game suspension. Sean Avery used up both of his free passes in one game with what, 80 games to go? Jackass. His best asset is his ability to agitate and be a pest. I wonder if he’ll be as effective now, or if he’ll hold back a bit knowing that one wrong move could be an easy suspension. Or maybe he won’t hold back and he’ll set the NHL record for suspensions in 1 season. Either way should result in a lot more fan hatred and probably some teammate hatred as well.

The LA Kings PA announcer mistakenly introduced their coach as “Terry Murphy.” If my team sucked as bad as the Kings, I’d probably try to pretend someone else was coaching them too. Even if it was a magical coach I created in my head. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t fault the guy. It’s important to have a healthy imagination. I can put Cookie Monster on the Sharks if I want to in my mind. I’d keep it under my hat though and not announce it to an arena full of Kings fans.

That’s it for this week! But don’t worry; I’ll be back in 7 days at which time I will probably make fun of Tampa a little more if they don’t find some way to impress me. Winning a game would be a great start. If not, there’re always the Islanders. Oh God, the Islanders… Thanks for reading, see you next week.

-N

Two Minute Minor: The Las Vegas Islanders

Hey Nick here. I’m the new guy, and I’m bringing you a new weekly feature from BTT. You can look forward to a new 2 minute minor (and the occasional 5 minute major) every Wednesday. What you can expect during my 2 minutes is some hostility. Maybe a touch of compassion for a terrible team. And a lot of horrible, awful, terrible jokes. I see it as a great opportunity to make fun of bad hockey teams, gush about favorite players, insult hated players, and make countless Gary Bettman combover jokes.

For my first penalty, I'd like to focus on the New York Islanders recent attempts to sell hockey tickets. I’d go ahead and make a joke here, but as you’ll soon learn, their attempts are in fact, the joke. Unless the Rangers, Flyers, or Devils are in town, no one really goes to Islanders games. And why would you? The team barely show up for games anymore.

To prove my point, I figured I'd see just how hard (easy) it is to get Islander tickets these days. Trying (succeeding) to get a single game ticket wouldn’t make me feel right enough, so I went for a pair of full season tickets. A few simple mouse clicks revealed that for the low, low price of $3511.20 per seat, I can see every Islanders home loss from section 101 row F. I'll save you the effort of pulling up a seating chart. Kids, That's 6 rows from the glass, penalty box side, right in front of the right face-off circle. Really good seats. Ok, really good seats if your favorite team is a 29 way tie between every NHL team but the Islanders. This is a Professional hockey team! I could understand having a few season tickets left in the higher levels, MAYBE somewhere a little lower if it's somewhere less desirable like behind a goal. There is no reason a pair of season tickets 6 rows from the glass should be available a week before the season starts.

Islanders management knows they have a problem and there have been some laughable attempts to sell tickets. For example, their buy one get one free (maybe) offer. You haven’t heard about this one? Strap in. If you purchase tickets to a select game, and the Islanders win that game, you will receive free tickets to another select game later in the season. If the Islanders lose however, you walk away with a big heaping helping of NOTHING. The fact that so many tickets are still available tells me that they can't give these things away. They couldn't even make them prizes in boxes of cracker jacks. Instead of throwing away another crappy, fake tattoo, kids would just be throwing away tickets. Headline: Islander Tickets Replace Coal In Naughty Children's Christmas Stockings. If I left 2 free Islander tickets on every doorstep in Nassau County, I'd be fined for littering. I’d consider shingling a roof with them as they are cheaper than real shingles but just as easy to obtain. But they’re only made of paper and I doubt they’re laminated.

I have 3 suggestions for the Islanders organization and I don’t think they’re particularly bad ideas.

1. LOWER TICKET PRICES! A half price ticket gets you more money than an unsold ticket. It doesn't have to be for every game either. Pick 10 games and make the entire upper section $5 a ticket. An NHL game for 5 bucks is pretty unbeatable, even if the Islanders are one of the teams playing. Sell them all on the side of the arena that the camera faces so during the broadcast, the place looks full. When people see some activity in the building, it might make them want to go.
2. FREE PARKING ON WEEKENDS. Pretty self explanatory. Hammer it into people's minds how convenient it is to come out to a game. When they get there and parking is free, they will remember that and they will come back! And if one of those weekend games happens to be a $5 ticket day... you'd have a lot of very happy fans. Win or lose, all it cost them was 5 bucks and some gas. No one could complain.
3. GET RID OF THE BUY ONE GET ONE FREE. It makes you look really desperate and further devalues your already worthless stocking stuffers. A fan that already has no faith in the team, isn't going to take the bait. "I know they're going to lose and I won't get my free game." Your fans are beaten down. By asking them to gamble on a possible free ticket, you are asking them to place even more faith in the team. If they had faith, they’d be coming to games already and you wouldn’t have to find “clever” ways to give away tickets.

Finally, I want to make it clear that I’m not hating on the Islanders or their fans. The truth is that I like the Islanders rivalry with my Rangers. It’s another regular season match-up I can always look forward to. But here’s a fact Islander fans aren’t going to want to hear: Support your team, or they will leave. It happened to Hartford, Quebec, Colorado, Atlanta, and Minnesota. Colorado, Atlanta, and Minnesota have all gotten second chances, but Hartford and Quebec have been begging for years to get their teams back. There’s been a lot of talk lately about expansion/relocation, and cities like Kansas City and Las Vegas are both looking for an NHL team. Do you want the Islanders to move to Vegas? The team is already asking you to gamble on free tickets. Maybe they’re trying to tell you something. So Islanders fans, I’m telling you this as a fan of the sport and not of a rival team: Support your Islanders. Go to their games. Win or lose, go to their games. Support them. Or you won’t have a team to support. Rangers fans of course, not caring where your team goes, will still whistle “Potvin sucks.”