2 Minute Minor: Super Discount Hockey Ticket Sale Giveaway Promotion Plan

Every Sunday I begin work on this column. By Monday I’m at least half done with the rough copy. It is somewhere around late Monday or early Tuesday that some ridiculous bit of hockey news will surface forcing me to scrap everything I had and write about the new tidbit of maddening information. With the exception of last week’s mascot piece, this has happened every week. We were supposed to hear about Marty Brodeur this week. Then it became a split piece with Brodeur sharing the article with my feelings on the abundance of boarding penalties so far this season. But… well… screw all that.

Does anyone remember the very first 2 Minute Minor? I hope so, it wasn’t that long ago. Anyway, I made fun of the Islanders. Badly. Not just for being the worst, but mainly for their amusing attempts to sell tickets. I don’t want to take anything away from how dumb the Islanders buy-one-get-one-free-maybe deal is so go back and read it if you forgot.

(Read it here http://breakingthetrap.blogspot.com/2008/10/two-minute-minor-las-vegas-islanders.html)

The Islanders are no longer the silliest team with too many unsold tickets left over. They’re not even in 2nd place. This also proves that the Islanders can’t even be the best at being the worst. Anyway, there have been some other silly attempts to sell tickets around the league and some of them are so silly, I decided to forego what would have been an almost serious article.

I’ll start with the Florida Panthers. This one is really simple. Anyone who rides a bicycle to certain games gets in for free. Just like that. So dust off that old Schwinn, Panthers fans within riding distance of the BankAtlantic Center, but leave your wallet at home!

Am I the only one who sees the stupidity in this? How many people will really be able to take advantage of this promotion? The vast majority of bicycle commuters ride to work alone. I work in the bicycle industry. TRUST ME ON THIS. Most of them ride to and from work alone. So this means the majority of them are expected to ride to the arena alone. Now, let me ask you… you expect them to go to a game alone? Only serious fans go to games alone and if they were serious, they’d already have a ticket. Season ticket holders go to games alone. And if you’re a season ticket holder, you know most of the people in your section anyway so you’re never really there alone. This guy on a bike is someone who wasn’t going to the game anyway. Good chance he’s not going to the game tonight cause he has no one to go with… even though it’s free.

My nearest arena is the Izod center (former home of the NJ Devils) and that arena is NOT safely accessible by bicycle. I’m not saying it can’t be done. Maybe a seasoned commuter wouldn’t have a problem with it, but the average person trying to bring a bike to a game for a free ticket will be saying over and over to him or herself “I’m never doing this again, I’m never doing this again, I’m never doing this again…” as semi after semi passes by within inches of their elbows. Don’t expect someone to get their bike out of the shed and attempt a ride to an arena. Again, I don’t know how easily accessible the BankAtlantic is by bicycle, but if it’s anything like the Izod, I’d be scared to get there any way other than a car or a bus.

Ever go for a bike ride with a little kid? It takes forever just to go around the block. You’d have to set like 2 hours aside to ride the family to the arena to catch a game. Then hope you child doesn’t get run over by a car, bus, or truck. Then listen to them whine and complain the whole time that they’re tired cause how many miles can a little kid pedal for? And then when it’s all finally done… you have to do it all again… in the dark. NO.

I also feel I should point out the obvious loophole. Drive to the arena, take your bike out of the trunk, bring it to the window and get your free ticket. All you’d pay is parking.

I like their attempt at going green. It’s a novel concept and it’s a great PR move. But it falls short when you figure out how many people will really take advantage of it.

Think that was bad? Wait till you hear this.

The St. Louis Blues officially have the craziest scheme ever to get people to games. EVER! The team announced Monday that at every remaining Saturday home game beginning Nov. 29, the organization will call the seat number of a fan and pay that person’s mortgage or rent for four months, up to $4,000 total.

WHAT?

This is one of those situations where I don’t know if I should even make a joke about it because I’m not confident I can write a joke that is funnier than the truth.

Seriously… how bad is your team? How undesirable are your tickets… that you need to pay people’s rent for 4 months? Do you think they’re going to take all that extra money and go to more hockey games? Look, maybe they will. Then again, maybe they won’t. It’s a gamble. A few grand is nothing to a professional sports franchise so who cares if it works. It’s just… wow. Really. Wow.

In case you were wondering, the Blues (at the time of my writing this) have 11 points. That’s 1 more than the Islanders and the same as the Panthers. All are last in their divisions. Noticing a trend here? Are last place teams required to do stupid things to get people to come watch their teams play last place hockey? I have a great idea. It will work. People will come see you play. PLAY BETTER HOCKEY! Start there! Enough with the gimmicks! I could buy a hockey ticket for $25 and I might get free rent for 4 months. I can also buy a lottery ticket for $1 that might get me free rent FOREVER in my new mansion while I watch the game on TV at home on my gigantic new screen.

I know the economy is rough right now, so being the best team in the league still might not fill seats if your fans just don’t have the extra cash to go to games. But come on, I know we can do better than this. Atlanta (2nd to last in their division, just 3 points up on the Panthers) has it figured out. Look at this: http://thrashers.nhl.com/team/app/?service=page&page=NHLPage&id=26637

That’s a good deal! That’s a really good deal. You get 4 pricing options and free dinner (that is a step above your typical fast food). All the options are really good deals. Except that you have to watch a thrashers game.

I do feel that it is somewhat irresponsible of me to do all this complaining without offering any solutions. Here you go, crappy teams. Try these!

1. Alexander Ovechkin Cutout Night. Don’t act like you wouldn’t go. You would either go, or be sad you missed it. Who wouldn’t want a cutout of him firing a shot at the net, or celebrating another goal with those troll-under-a-bridge good looks, huh? I’m so there.

2. For the Islanders, I suggest “Play for the team” night. The first 5 fans to show up dress as the Islanders 4th line. Because really, how much worse could it be, and you honestly never know. Let the 5 lucky fans keep their uniforms, too.

3. I know this is a joke list, but this one I might actually be serious about. Free beer night. Does it really need explanation? It certainly has potential for complete disaster, but if someone found a way to do it right, it would work. Plus, if you get them drunk, they might not notice how bad the team is that they’re cheering for. Just a thought.

4. Gary Bettman wig night. Yes, you too can lack the very same charm as our commissioner if you are one of the first 5,000 fans to show up tonight! Dismiss, criticism with ease! Sidestep hard hitting questions! Take completely self-serving photos with the Conn Smythe winner and Stanley Cup winning team captain every single year as you make the fans watch and wait in agony for their celebration. Sell out to Reebok! Get booed in every arena you set foot in! Talk in circles! Yes, you can do it all with the Gary Bettman combover wig! Yours FREE with admission! (Offer applies to the first 5000 fans under the age of 15.)

5. Ryan Hollweg inaction figure night. This inaction figure is not poseable, he remains in a seated position wearing a suit as he watches yet another game from the stands while serving his umpteenth suspension of the year. While this would in fact bring no one to games… in fact it might actually keep people away… it could be used to throw at Sidney Crosby should it be during a Pittsburgh game. You gotta find the silver lining, kids. It’s always there somewhere.

Look, I know times are tough, but don’t be afraid. Gary Bettman has once again said that the fundamentals of the NHL's economy are strong. Another blanket statement referring to TV revenue and not Ticket sales. So I guess all those league-wide empty seats are nothing to worry about after all. Thanks, Gary. Good thing we have you around to cover up the problems for us or we might really start to get nervous. Nice hair.

See you next week.