(Editor's Note: For ease, and because I like it when you read my stuff here is a link to the Toronto Team Preview http://breakingthetrap.blogspot.com/2008/10/team-previews-toronto-maple-leafs.html)
The Bet:
So there’s this funny little bet I have going with Rich right now and it’s quite simple. Rich is absolutely, 100% convinced that the Leafs will finish worst in the league. I am not. I’m saying Tampa, the Islanders, or LA will rise up and grab that brass ring of failure. But he is SO confident in the Leafs potential for epic failure that he gave me the entire league. All I wanted was LAK, NYI and TBL, but he’s confident enough to go all in. The official bet is as follows: If any team in the entire NHL finishes the regular season with less points than the Leafs, I get lunch. Toronto finishes last, Rich gets lunch. I’d tell you where if that particular fast food chain would like to contribute sponsorship dollars to this site. Otherwise let’s just say it’s something like “MacDougal’s.”
Anyway, leave some comments regarding the bet. We’d both love to hear some other opinions on it! We will also be tracking the progress of the bet (which sadly means tracking the “progress” of the Leafs) periodically here at BTT either in the form of a 2MM, Breaking the Slump (which is impossible for Toronto. It’s not a slump if you just plain suck.), random entries, polls, etc....
The following 2MM has been inspired by our friendly bet. It is a friendly bet. Neither of us cares who wins. We both completely agree Toronto is awful. The bet pertains to our disagreement of to what degree will they suck? Will it be a lot? Enough to be the worst? Or will it be just enough? Just enough to not be the worst. We’ll see. As a preview to how bad one team can be, here is my team preview for Toronto. I think it will help you manage your fantasy team as my insight is both informative, stimulating, and completely useless. Enjoy.
Team Previews: The Toronto Maple Leafs (Revisited)
Introduction:
The Leafs can be a legitimate contender this season if they work hard to improve in some key areas. The first area in need of improvement is their relationship with alien species. Having a good relationship with an alien species could mean the potential granting of super powers from said species and could lead to a decisive advantage on the ice. A little telekinesis can go a long way and would greatly improve their scoring chances. Alien friends are also great for abducting star players of opposing teams. Sidney Crosby: MISSING? Leafs say “IDK.” Mind control could make an opposing player turn against their own goaltender, or make their goaltender leave the net altogether and just wander idly around the ice. All of that still wouldn’t be enough to give Toronto a winning record this year.
Another area they need to work on is their magical powers. Without the ability to turn opposing players to stone, turn them into chickens, or summon an evil Snarlaxx to destroy them, I just don’t see the Leafs being a threat. A simple fire spell to melt the ice in the goal crease would severely limit an opposing goaltender’s movement and surely lead to more scoring chances. I still have to wonder… would that be enough help?
The third area the Leafs should be looking to improve on this year is their entire ability to play the game of ice hockey. I’ve seen them play and… they’re not good. If you happened to see them play the Rangers last week, then what you saw was one team (that was unable to score) get completely and utterly dominated by another team (that coincidently also was unable to score). Toronto looked pathetic and was saved by Toskala who decided to show up that night. If he could only convince the rest of the team to all show up on the same night, they might have something. They’d still need magic and alien assistance though cause this team doesn’t stand a chance.
Key Departures:
Anyone who’s hockey card you’d want to keep
Leafs trading cards will definitely be the number 1 card found in bicycle spokes this year.(Islanders tickets are too flimsy and don’t provide the same noise. Sure, they’re easier to get, but they cost more.) No kid in his or her right mind would put a Sundin in his spokes, but I’ll tell you what; a Luke Schenn and an Alex Steen sounds just like a real motorcycle! Maybe I shouldn’t have said that as I seem to have just added value to their cards which is not my intention at all.
Yes, it’s true. Every player who’s jersey a Leafs fan might have wished to own, is gone. It’s sad too because how silly will they sound having to say “Let me get that sweet Hagman jersey?”
New Faces:
Curtis Joseph
Ryan Hollweg (I think)
Is Hollweg on the team? I changed the channel real quick during the St. Louis game and got distracted. Due to the entertainment value Bob Ross seems to have when directly compared to a TOR v. STL game, I almost forgot to put the game back on. It was the one where he paints the mountain. But I digress, when I put the game back on, Hollweg was gone and I haven’t seen him since. And he wasn’t even in the previous game. Who is this Ryan Hollweg everyone is talking about?
Ok, just kidding. Hollweg is a jackass who keeps getting thrown out of games and consequently suspended for boarding. It’s a really serious offense and he’s lucky he hasn’t given someone a career ending, life altering spinal injury yet. My advice to Toronto (and I feel the need to clarify this as sound advice and not a joke) is just release him. Let him go. He’s not going to help your team (and trust me, all your team needs right now is help) unless he knows some cool aliens with the ability to grant telekinetic powers to humans. Then keep him around, but release him after the entire team can teleport the puck into the net for a goal.
CuJo is good but he’s going to need more help than he currently has… which I’ll reiterate is NONE. It comes right back to those areas of improvement I already talked about. The ability for CuJo to summon a snarlaxx on opposing players is completely insufficient right now considering that he can’t summon a snarlaxx at all. It’s the only chance he has without Sundin & friends.
The Offense:
Since Toronto doesn’t have an offense to speak of, please accept the following alternative content:
The State of Wyoming is a sparsely populated state in the western region of the United States. The majority of the state is dominated by the mountain ranges and rangelands of the Rocky Mountain West, while the easternmost section of the state is a high altitude prairie region known as the High Plains. While the tenth largest U.S. state by size, Wyoming is the least populous, with a U.S. Census estimated population of 522,830 in 2007, a 5.9% increase since 2000. The capital and the most populous city of Wyoming is Cheyenne.
You Should Be Happy You Drafted:
Players from other teams
THERE'S NO ONE ON THIS TEAM WORTH DRAFTING for a fantasy team unless your goal is to finish last in your league. I wouldn’t draft one of these guys on a fantasy dish washing team. Hollweg would just break them all anyway. I have no need for any of these players in any capacity. I wouldn’t let them park my car at a valet. Hollweg would just drive it into things. I can go on, I got a million of these.
FACT: 522,830 people lived in Wyoming in 2007. Any one of them is good enough to play for the Leafs this year.
You Want to Be Prepared to Snag:
Carlton the Bear
Put a stick in his hand and let him go. Who knows, he might get you some points in a category or two. Look, I can’t make this clear enough. I would sooner draft a garbage can as my goalie and a cardboard cutout of Ovechkin before I would consider a Leaf. If someone skated behind the cutout and pushed it along the ice, it might score a goal. It is Oveckin after all. I can hear it now, “Carlton moves in, looking to pass…can’t…finds Ovechkin cutout…around the backside of the net now…Ovechkin cutout feeds to Carlton HE SCORES!!!!!!!!” Even better would be about 30 seconds later, “Maple Leafs goal scored by Carlton the Bear. Assisted by Alexander Ovechkin cutout. Time of the goal 3:14 in the 2nd period.”
FACT: Did you know polar bears have nothing to do with maple leafs?
I’m sorry, what were we talking about? Oh right, Toronto. Alright so here’s my suggestion for Toronto’s defense vs. their current pairings. Proposition the league to allow obstacles instead of players for the defense. So start Carlton the Bear, Alexander Ovechkin cutout, and the strongest looking hotdog vendor from section 312 as your forwards and then like, a bear trap in the neutral zone and a box held up by a stick with some cheese under it in the slot as the defense. It would work if dumb Carlton stayed away from the bear trap.
You Should Be Happy You Drafted:
Bear Trap
Box Held Up By Stick With Cheese Under It
Bear trap is a good pickup and he’ll definitely get you some PIM as he is good for at least 3 holding and/or interference penalties per game. Watch out if he breaks the skin though as he may be liable for misconducts for intent to injure. You don’t want your fantasy players getting suspended.
FACT: Bear traps hurt like hell.
Box Held Up By Stick With Cheese Under It is much cleaner defensively than Bear Trap and due to his permanent location in the slot tends to rack up blocked shot after blocked shot. He also takes a lot of skaters right out of the play because some lesser paid players simply can not resist free cheese. Be ready to grab him if no one snagged him in your draft.
FACT: Free Cheese!
You Want to Be Prepared to Snag:
Other Bear Trap
Other Bear Trap can have a breakout year if he works a little harder. He’s smaller than Bear Trap and doesn’t latch on to ankles as effectively. But this could be a plus as he will still break up plays by slowing players down instead of completely stopping them. Both are effective methods and if anything, Other Bear Trap will take the occasional tripping call, but will ultimately take less penalties than Bear Trap. If you have a good feeling about Other Bear Trap, go with it!
FACT: Other Bear Trap was an absolute beast in the AHL leading the league in forced turnovers and scoring a miraculous shorthanded goal despite having no arms to hold a stick or legs to skate with or ability to move or think freely. It’s just a bear trap.
FACT: Did you know that bear traps are inanimate objects that can not really play sports because they can not move or think?
FACT: Did you know I am fully aware of my implications that an inanimate object would make a better defense than that which Toronto already has?
The Powerplay:
Who cares?
Shuffling the same crap around on the ice just because you have one more guy than the other team isn’t going to make a difference. Everyone knows the Leafs need a 13 man advantage with an empty net to score goals anyway so who cares which variation of crap they put out on the ice for a powerplay?
The Goalie(s):
CuJo
Toskala
Garbage Can
The Leafs have a shot if Garbage Can can stay healthy. He’s a huge fan favorite, he’s been with the team for years. Everyone loves his story of starting out, collecting trash after games and then working his way up to backup and then starting goaltender. It’s a great feel good story, great for the team, great for hockey!
FACT: Garbage can once lit a fire inside himself as a joke to scare Ovechkin Cutout. Ovechkin Cutout didn’t find it funny and the two didn’t speak for a month.
FACT: Ovechkin Cutout is made of cardboard and does not like fire.
The Verdict:
Toronto wins the cup. The Islanders have the highest attendance in the league, Tampa is a good team, Gary Betteman has never made a bad decision, and the glowing puck was a good idea… you know, as long as we’re making stuff up. Do I even need to say it? Toronto STINKS! But… they’re still not going to finish last. Philly is looking exceptionally disgusting, LA is an eastern conference team stuck in the west, and Barry Melrose is powerless without his mullet. A lot of things can happen. Don’t get me wrong, this team is bad. The Leafs v. Alexander Ovechkin (the real one) and Garbage Can would actually be a close game. My money would still be on Ovechkin.
Bear Trap, Ovechkin Cutout, Carlton the Bear, Other Bear Trap, Garbage Can and Box Held Up By Stick With Cheese Under It are all solid fantasy picks. Consider yourself lucky if you have one of them and if any of them are unclaimed in your league, jump on them immediately. As for the real Leafs… (expletive deleted) ‘em!
Final words… they’re bad, but they won’t be the worst. It won’t be their fault though. Another team will just find a way to out-suck the Leafs. Maybe through ritual suicide or something, cause that might be what it takes to finish worse. But I will win the bet! Lunch is mine!
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2 comments:
Only the Mulleted Man shall pass. Only the Mulleted Man shall pass. The Mulleted Man kneels before Barry.... KNEEL!
...And this year's Calder trophy for most outstanding rookie goes to... OVECHKIN CUTOUT!
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