Two Minute Minor: Brother Avery’s Traveling Suspension Show

First off, I demand props for making a Neil Diamond reference before even starting this thing.

Thank you.

Secondly I want to thank Sean Avery for doing something stupid on a Tuesday because this article is due by Wednesday morning and I really had nothing. We were looking at a very sub-par power rankings that I thankfully do not have to submit. So his timely stupidity is most welcome. Anyway, let’s get into this.

Alright, look. I am in no way defending Sean Avery right now, but if ever there was a reason to want Gary Bettman to die… this is it. Let me start with what actually happened. Then we’ll break it down and hopefully, you’ll come to understand how the NHL looks like complete idiots right now.

Shortly after a morning skate yesterday, Sean Avery made his way over to some reporters. He asked if there was a camera there… which, there was… and then made the following comment: “I’m just going to say one thing. I’m really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about, but enjoy the game tonight.” And he walked away. There was no interview. This was not a response to a question. He saw reporters and did his thing. If you want to know what the comment is in reference to, Avery’s ex-girlfriend, actress Elisha Cuthbert is dating Calgary defenseman Dion Phaneuf; she also had been involved with Mike Komisarek of the Montreal Canadiens.

I’m not going to defend Avery here as I normally would. I’m usually a fan of Avery if only for his entertainment value. But it was completely stupid. This is the class clown acting up in class without any of his friends playing along and then getting sent to the principal’s office. Depending on your standards, the comment is either mildly vulgar to completely tame. There’s obviously more to this than we know because the comment seems like a response to something as opposed to an initiation. The comment wasn’t nearly as stupid as his decision to make it.
The NHL looks like complete idiots right now for several reasons and I’m going to touch on each one of them. A hit to the head that causes injury is a 1-3 game suspension but Bettman-forbid you make a throw-away comment about your ex-girlfriend and it’s an indefinite suspension. So what the league says is that PR is more important to protect than player safety? Get the hell out of here. Stop it! If the NHL cared half as much about hits to the head as they do about Sean Avery's BS, Simon Gagne might not get dizzy whenever he closes his eyes.

So what, you think that I think Avery should be let off the hook? Not at all, but there was a right way to handle this. Bettman should have called Tom Hicks immediately and demanded the Stars suspend Avery. Make this an internal team matter. Let Avery destroy his own locker room relations. Believe me, his entire team hating him is FAR WORSE than any fine or suspension he can receive. The league suspending Avery makes him a free speech martyr. Once again, Sean Avery wins. Yet again, the league has to make special considerations based on the actions of one player… the same player. Once again Sean Avery is the #1 NHL headline.
If his team suspends him, it’s the other way around. The NHL can quietly condemn Avery’s behavior and save all face. Avery still gets suspended, fined, whatever, AND his locker room will hate him. But the league suspending him makes the isuue bigger and gives someone the opportunity to come to his defense. Whether or not anyone will remains to be seen, but the opportunity is there. Make the Stars punish him and this will all go away a lot faster. But right now, it’s huge news and whether he intended it or not, Avery is looking bigger than the game. When the Stars come to town, people now have yet another reason to talk about Avery before talking about the Dallas Stars.

I’m not saying players should be able to say whatever they want. Comments like this deserve some kind of punishment. Avery mentioned no names, but it was a verbal attack on an opposing player which the NHL does, in fact, have rules against. The problem is Bettman only chooses to enforce this rule when he sees fit. We know this because Ian White of the Toronto Maple Leafs wasn't suspended after telling the media that Ilya Kovalchuck will "get what's coming to him" the next time they meet. Apparently a direct threat is not a punishable offense but a throw-away frat house burn is. It absolutely infuriates me. Or was it the timing? If Avery made the comment after the game would it have been less of an offense than prior to the game? Snide remarks are made after games all the time and it’s no big deal, just like White’s threat.

I’m sorry there were no jokes this week but I am absolutely livid about how the situation was handled. Because there was a way to give Avery the exact same punishment without making the league look like idiots AND making this “issue” go away quickly and quietly at the same time. This could have been “just another Avery story” but the NHL has made it league-wide news. They’ve made it a huge sports story that is not limited to just hockey news. Avery’s pedestal is elevated even higher and this incident goes from footnote “in other news” to full blown headline.

Good job, Bettman. Good job. Now Sean Avery is all anyone wants to talk about. Again. This crap should be the footnote following the game summary. Instead, it will be the other way around.

By the way, Dallas won 3-1

Pot-ery sucks? A Tale of Two Avery's

You'd think that the Garden Faithful present for Monday night's much hyped matchup between the Dallas Stars and the New York Rangers really hated clay pots if you'd never heard of Sean Avery or understood just how annoying he is when he's no longer wearing your team's jersey.

If you've been following the New York Sports Media you'd know that the biggest soap opera this week has been...

Well Madonna and A-Rod but after that its been... Brett Favre whispering sweet nothings in the Lions' ear about his old buddies the Packers. But after that its been... ok well somewhere on that list was Sean Avery's return to the Big Apple. I actually went to his return to the Garden on Monday. It was an interesting experience.

To begin with I got the sense that Avery was listening to Alanis Morisette's "You Ougtta Know" in the back while staring at a picture of Aaron Voros in a Rangers Jersey but changing the lyrics so it was about him. So, like..."Is he annoying like me, and does he har-ass Mar-ty, can he get rules changed in... the playoffs," or something like that.

I didn't know what to expect walking in and neither did most of the fans I talked to. The guy sitting in front of me, who had no reason to suspect that I was a Devils fan, turned around and asked "Hey you gonna cheer Avery or boo him when he comes out." I almost laughed but held it in check and matter-of-factly replied, "I'm going to boo him." He nodded and said "Yea I don't know. I think I'm gonna cheer him. I liked the guy." He would later participate in an Avery Sucks chant.... the first of which happened 45 seconds into the game and was almost immediately followed by the Rangers famous Potvin sucks chant during which half of the Garden substituted Avery for old Denis Potvin, creating the puzzling "Pottery Sucks" chant referenced in the title. I bet he enjoyed that.

Avery was working hard to get on the crowds' nerves early. He jawed with Orr during warmups (quick aside, I would love to know the etymology of this colloquialism. I mean it means to talk angrily but... why jawed?) and then absolutely harassed Dubinsky on his first shift, leading to a penalty for Dubes and increased attention from Voros and Orr for the remainder of the game.

A passive observer would think Avery was being relatively quiet... he wasn't. He was all over Gomez, sticking him in the face at least once, he refused to fight Colton Orr more than once, and he smacked Lundqvist in the head with his stick when the ref wasn't looking. That was all in the first ten minutes of the game. The effect was instant. The Rangers were out to kill Avery every time he was on the ice. The result, a distracted 2-1 loss to one of the worst teams in the Western Conference. Avery probably laughed over Cigars and Apple-tini's with his Vogue friends the entire night.

Last night at "The Rock" was a completely different story. To begin with it was a different Sean Avery. The Sean Avery that came to the Prudential Center last night was the one who rarely shows up... Sean Avery the skill player. Avery nearly doubled his season total for shots on goal, taking four on the night, two of which were absolutely beautiful scoring chances.

He attracted attention but not from Zajac, Parise or any of the Devils other talented youngsters. No offense to David Clarkson but his job is to harass guys like Avery, and harass he did. Avery was once again not interested in dropping the gloves, refusing the opportunity to tangle with Clarkson twice.

That's not to say that Devils fans didn't get their retribution. Avery skated into the zone with his head down in the second and was absolutely leveled by Bryce Salvador. Marty also got some payback, cross checking Avery in the ear while he was trying to screen him on the powerplay and shooting a puck AT HIM when Avery was on the forecheck.

And for those Rangers fans that like to talk about Marty's dives like he's the only goalie in the NHL who does it; I offer up Marty Turco's absolute flop in the first period. He dove in slow motion... like he got shot in the Matrix and then complained that Clarkson clocked him.

So whats the verdict? The Devils, treating Avery like the sideshow he is and not making him the focus of their game were able to earn Marty his second shutout of the season (putting him 6 away from passing Terry Sawchuk) in defeating the Dallas Stars 5-0. Instead of his, and he's my favorite player, embarassing childishness in the playoffs that made Marty a joke, his gritty play last night was compared to Billy Smith's, particularly to Smith's noted rivalry with Bobby Clarke. I'd say thats a nice improvement.

So instead of a demoralizing loss last night turned into a meaningless win in October against a team thats 2-3-1. Dallas is in trouble... which is a nice segue to my today's BREAKING THE SLUMP, up later today. It will feature a trio of Centers: Mike Ribiero, Jonathan Toews and Nicklas Backstrom. Until then..."Does he know how you told him you'd love me until you died, but you're still alive and I'm here to remind you..."

Avery Startling Addition

The Dallas Stars

Two puns in one headline. I'm getting good.

Niklas Hagman departed for Toronto. In his place at left wing you'll find Sean "the Menace" Avery... that is assuming he's recovered from the rupture of his spleen in the second round of the playoffs and that he doesn't sign a long term deal at Vogue upon the completion of his summer internship.

In all seriousness, Sean Avery adds a dimension that this team was lacking. He's also more skilled then his reputation lets on. He is injured often, but when healthy is a very fast, very competent agitator. A healthy Avery could bring your fantasy squad points in the high 40's, particularly on Dallas where he is virtually guaranteed to be with a good center (Richards, Modano or Ribiero). He's also virtually guaranteed 150+ PIM, and should be a plus on this defensively committed team.

You'll hate him or you'll love him, but if you've got scoring elsewhere Avery will get you penalty minutes without hurting you in too many other categories. If you miss out on some of the big power forwards, and bigger power d-men, Avery is a good option.